Come on, Ray.
- (Ray) You better get outta here, mister! - Leave us alone!
Aargh!
- Uh-huh. There you are. - (Ray) What are we gonna do?
Dr Zilman! Dr Zilman!
Aaaargh!
Help! Put me down! You put me down!
Put me down immediately!
- Aaargh! - If that's the way you want it...
...you're gonna get it that way. - He-e-e-elp!
- Ray! Are you all right? - I'm fine. I'm OK.
Listen, guys. You're gettin' outta line. I've had all I can take.
Irwin, we're gonna have to kill him.
- You ready? - Ready.
- Set? - Set.
(both) Cha-a-a-arge!
(# cavalry charge)
- He's goin' nuts! He's really nuts! - Go away!
You better get outta here, mister!
I mean it! I don't wanna...
Irwin, what are we gonna do?
Go away! Go away!
Aaargh!
(grunts)
- (phone rings) - # Got a baby who
# Can give me 31 flavours
- # And we like tutti-frutti best - # I call him ice-cream Joe
- (phone still ringing) - Ha-ha!
Go! Go, baby, go!
# ... his lips are kissing mine, he gives me 31 flavours
- # And we like tutti-frutti best - Yeah, yeah!
(phone still ringing)
# He's my confectionery ice-cream Joe
# Every time I kiss him I feel mighty fine
- # I love his 31 flavours - # And we like tutti-frutti best
(song pauses)
(song continues)
- Ha-ha... ha! - (phone still ringing)
- That's it, baby. Go! - # He gives me 31 flavours
# And we like tutti-frutti best
He's gotta be home! He never gets up this early! Why doesn't he answer?
I hope you won't mind my asking this, but what sort of chap is your brother-in-law?
He's a nut. Why?
I hope he's not like my brother-in-law. Peculiar chap.
- Secretary of the golf club at Pangbourne. - So what about him?
I was just thinking that if Reggie - that's my brother-in-law -
...if Reggie got hold of some information like this...
...it's likely that would be the last time...
...that anyone would ever see or hear of dear old Reggie, what.
I doubt very much whether old Reggie would be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.
Cheers.
(Ding) Hey, Tyler's probably still in the shower.
Tyler! Hey, there he is!
- Tyler! - Hey! You promised!
Hey! I'll wake him up.
- Tyler! Tyler! - Huh? Argh!
Wake up. Tyler, wake up.
Come on now!
Get outta here! Argh!
Mr Fitzgerald!
If you think I'm gonna let an un-American foreigner slander my flesh and blood...
- We'll see about that! Stop this car! - (brakes sharply)
- Really, madam! - Mother, this is awful!
- So we'll see! - Mother, what are you doing?!
So you don't even trust your own brother-in-law.
- If my boy is out, then everybody is out! - Look, we don't even own the car.
- You have no right to do what you did. - Right? You talk to me about rights?!
- Mother... - You address me on the subject of rights?
Trouble? Having any trouble?
Yes! And we don't need any help from you!
Well!
- Mother, please! - Bah!
This is too much. Give Mr Hawthorne the keys or we'll never get there.
Bah! Too bad!
Madam, I must say that I find your attitude somewhat less than helpful.
What's all this got to do with you, if you don't mind tellin' me?!
Well, if you have quite decided to withdraw from this affair...
...I might reasonably expect you to return my keys so that at least I could press on.
You keep outta this! Now, for the last time, are we gonna call Sylvester or not?
No, we are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester...
...is an irresponsible, unreliable, loudmouth, no-good bum...
...who, if he isn't a crook, it's only because he hasn't the brains or ambition to be one.
I say, good show!
Now, if you wanna come with us, come with us. But you don't have to.
But you've got to give us those keys...
...or you'll force us to take 'em from you! - Hear, hear!
Give us those keys. I don't care where you have them, I'm gonna get 'em.
- How dare you? - Give us those keys.
- Give us the keys. - You take one more step towards me...
- I'm warning you, you're gonna be sorry. - I've waited for this for years.
You're gonna get it, but good!
- Emmeline! - Emmeline, stay in the car!
Russell! Don't! Mother!
Let me down! You two'll be sorry!
Russell, you wouldn't! You couldn't! You shouldn't!
Let me go! Let me get outta here!
I got 'em. I got 'em. Here they are.
I'm sorry we had to do it, but that was the only way.
Don't hit Hawthorne that way! Ow!
Now, madam, please!
You forced us. You forced us.
I'm sorry, but you forced us. Now do us a favour. Will you get back in the car?
- Get away! Don't touch me! - We had to do it.
- You saw it, honey. - Russell, let me go!
Just wait. You can't manhandle a decent woman!
You're gonna go to jail for assault! I'll sue you for everything you've got!
- Take your hands off my daughter! - If we are going, we must get cracking.
- Russell, how could you? - We had to do it.
- Mr Finch. - Please, don't go. We'll be right with you.
You see, we had to do it. She made us.
Let's forget it. Let's be reasonable.
- He's gonna leave. Please get in the car. - Not me.
We are wasting so much time. Give me the keys.
(engine splutters)
(car horn)
The cars are going faster than we are! Can't you make this go a little faster?
Wide open, I can. But wide open eats up a lotta gas.
Then open up wide. I'll pay extra for the gas.
- That'll cost you about $50. - OK. I'll pay when we land.
- Now. - I gotta pay now?
- Now. - All right, I'll pay you now.
- Melville... - What?
A bug! Get him off! Argh!
- Hey! Take it easy! - (squeals) Get him! Get him!
Hey! You're breakin' up the airplane!
- Is it down there? - (stamps foot)
- You're breaking the floor! - (rip)
- Argh! Help! - Melville!
None of these ten people have any record at all.
Yet we could book 'em for withholding information, causing accidents...
...reckless driving, theft, three cases of assault and battery...
- Captain Culpeper? - Yeah? Got my home?
Yes, sir.
Sheriff, excuse me, will ya? Another call.
Take the sheriff.
- I'll take it in here. - Transfer it to Captain Culpeper's office.
- Hello. Ginger? - Daddy? It's Billie Sue.
Oh. Let me speak with your mother, will you, sweetheart?
(Ginger) Well?
Ah, dear.
Tell me something, Ginger. How does it feel being married...
...to the most brilliant personality in the law-enforcement industry?
Are you referring to yourself?
Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock.
- When I tell you what has happened... - So tell me! I've got this biscuit dough...
The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
The what?!
Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
The tuna factory robbery.
The case I've been talkin' about for the last 15 years.
Now listen. All I want you to do is make all the necessary preparations...
...for a little flight to Hawaii, Sunday morning.
- So what's the gag? - It is no gag.
Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?
(chuckles)
Flight 7, Sunday morning.
- Are we takin' Billie Sue? - No!
It's just the two of us, for about three weeks.
We're gonna celebrate, Ginger.
My feeling is that, after 27 years... we've earned it.
- What's the matter? - I need help. Could you give me a lift?
My wife is sick. The doc sent me after some medicine, and I just ran out of gas.
Yeah! Get in!
(both) You?!
- Wait. We're in trouble. - Everybody is. Get out of the way, lady.
We didn't want to leave you back there. It was my son-in-law and the Englishman.
What Englishman? Will you get out of the way?
Look, you leave us here and you know what you're gonna get out of all this?
- Nothin'! My daughter and I will get it all! - Yeah? How?
I'll call my son. He lives 10 miles from Rosita Beach.
He's gonna drive there and get the money, and we're gonna have it! That's how!
I was gonna offer you a share, just for takin' us to a phone.
But since you're not interested, we'll just wait for another car.
We're makin' a mistake. We better go back for my mother-in-law.
- Go back?! - Yes.
- You're not serious? - Don't you see?
She'll phone my brother-in-law. He'll get there first. The rest of us won't get a dime.
You can believe that.
But look here. Even if she does get all the money...
...surely it won't affect our agreement.
She wouldn't break her word. I'd still be entitled to ten per cent as agreed, surely.
Surely(!)
Come on. Let's go.
- Operator. - Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.
And then that dirty, rotten, slimy bum double-crossed me.
When I get ahold of that smart aleck, what I'm gonna do to him!
If you're there, I just hope that you turn away, that you just look the other way.
- Well, did you get him? - Maybe he went out for the papers.
- We can keep on tryin'. - Just supposin' we never do get him.
We just might be the last ones there.
Just a minute. Just a minute!
Down there? You must be kiddin'! It's too steep!
I drive my jeep down here every day. Let's go!
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
You can turn around here. I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.
Yeah, yeah. Swell.
Hi, Eddie.
I gotta get outta here. Ask your father to come and show me.
There must be a way to get outta here!
Come on! Hurry up!
I could show you a way out. There's another way around to the road.
Another way to the road? You know another way? Good. Come on in. Show...
Look, show me how to get outta here, I'll give you a dollar.
- Three dollars! - Three?! Why, you...
Yeah, all right. I'll give you three dollars. Come on, hop in the car.
Hurry, will ya, kid? I gotta get outta here!
- They're gone. - Well, they got a lift.
We only passed a few cars and they weren't in any of them.
Somebody must've taken them the other way. Let's go back to where we phoned.
That's miles in the wrong direction. Besides, we can't be sure they'll be there.
I don't know. I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
Look, surely the most sensible thing is for the two of us to press on!
For all we know, your brother-in-law may be away somewhere.
And even if he were the first there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he?
Now, I earnestly recommend that we press on with all possible dispatch.
(mimics) We'll press on with all possible dispatch.
And I don't really think that personal rancour is going to help the situation...
...if I may say so.
OK. Come on, hurry up. Let's go.
We're here. We got here first. Let's go.
Come on. I gotcha, I gotcha. I gotcha.
Attaboy, baby. We made it. We're here first.
Take care of my car until we get back.
Come on, let's go. Come on, baby!
Over there?
There?!
Down there?!
That'll be $2.90.
Here's $3, keep the change, but wait for us, OK?
Oh, sure!
Come on. Let's go.
- We're closed. It's 12 o'clock. - They're closed.
Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
- Mr Dinckler's inside. - Dinckler! That's it. We'll get Dinckler.
Aha!
Downstairs! Come on! It must be here someplace.
Down here.
Look for a pick and a shovel. Right? A pick and a shovel. Must be someplace.
That's all I need.
A pick and a shovel. I found it!
Got it.
I got it! I found it!
Ohh.
I've no wish to quarrel with you...
...but, as a representative of Her Majesty's armed forces, I take exception...
You want me to tell you somethin'? As far as I'm concerned, the British are finished.
If it hadn't been for lend-lease, giving you billions you never even thanked us for...
...the whole phony outfit would've sunk under the Atlantic years ago.
- (brakes sharply) - Hey. What are you stopping for?
- Get out of this machine. - Get out? I can't...
It's my machine. I'll do as I bloody well please! Out!
I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today.
If I've said anything about England, I apologise.
Glad to hear you say so.
I must say, if I had the misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country...
...I should be most hesitant in offering any criticism whatever of any other.
Wait a minute. Are you saying something against America?
Against it? I should be astounded to hear if anything could be said for it!
It's the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilisation!
Look at how your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop.
American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves.
They die from coronaries as their women sit under hair dryers eating chocolates...
...and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.
And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms!
In all my time in this wretched country, what has appalled me most...
...is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms!
They've become the dominant theme in American culture.
In literature, in advertising, in everything.
I'll wager you anything, if American women stopped wearing brassieres...
...your whole national economy would collapse overnight!
F- 7. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let 'em out? Over.
How the hell did they get locked in a basement? We'd better let 'em out.
That ain't fair.
It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
They got themselves in there. They oughta be able to get themselves out.
After all, if you help them, you're not bein' fair to the others.
But the moment anybody gets to where they're goin', we'll pick 'em up.
- So what's it matter who gets there first? - It's a race, ain't it?
Why do you wanna help that dentist?
I'm pullin' for that other guy - Pike, with the furniture van.
The rules oughta be the same for everybody. Otherwise it just ain't fair.
(Culpeper clears throat)
Central to F-7.
No. We'll leave 'em where they are. See what happens.
Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Are you happy?
(yelling)
I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Make us some old-fashioneds.
- You think you oughta drink while flying? - Stop kidding and make us some drinks.
Just press the button back there marked "booze".
It's the only way to fly. Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Estimated speed, 1-7-5.
We'll never be able to keep up with him.
Better have some of the other units intercept. Over.
- Hello, Ginger. What's the matter now? - It's Billie Sue.
Her new boyfriend Oscar was gonna come down from Pomona just to meet us.
So now she called him and told him we were goin' away.
- What's the matter? - You forget, if a girl is 6ft 5in tall...
... she's bound to have special problems.
They had some argument, and then they started screaming at each other...
... and now the engagement's off and she says she's leaving.
Leaving what? Leaving home?
- Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone. - I'll try. Just a minute.
- Talk to your father. - I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever.
Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
(# church organ music)
(motor being started)
(crashing)
(# slow jazz)
(Sylvester grunts along to music)
(phone ringing)
Ooh! Yeah! Ah...
(phone still ringing)
Oh...
Ah...
You hear bells, baby?
- Yes? - (Mrs Marcus) Who is that? Who is that?
Who's that?
I want my son. Hey!
Who is that?
I wanna speak to Sylvester Marcus.
- Sylvester. - Yeah, baby?
- It's your mom. - (chuckles)
Good old Mom.
Hello!
Sylvester? Sylvester?
- Is that you, Mom? - Of course it's me.
- I've been tryin' to get you all morning. - I've been busy, Mom. I've been...
I've been workin' and I didn't hear the phone.
Hey, hold on a minute, will you, Mom?
Baby, how about a can of beer, huh? Man, I feel like...
Sylvester, listen. Something's happened.
There was an accident this morning. A man got killed.
- Who got killed? Hey, are you all right? - Now listen! Pay attention.
- Sis all right? - Listen!
- What's the matter, Mom? - Can you hear me?
There's a fortune in cash, and you can get it before anybody gets it.
- But you've got to hurry. Do you hear? - What's the matter? What's goin' on?
- Are you all right? - Of course I'm all right! Sylvester!
- Are Russell and Emmeline with you? - Forget about Russell.
Will you just shut up and let me talk?!
- Mom, what's goin' on? Where's Russell? - Don't even mention Russell!
- When I tell you... - Just tell him about the dough, will ya?
You keep out of this! Shut up!
- Sylvester, just listen. - What did Russell do?
He assaulted me, if you wanna know. He grabbed me right beside the road.
He and this Englishman I don't even know!
Mama, who's with you, and where are you?
I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.
And shut up so that I can tell you what happened!
Listen, Mama. Listen to me close. Stay right there, cos I'm comin' to get you.
- Shut up and listen! - Mama, everything's gonna be all right.
Your baby's comin' to get you. Just relax, take it easy.
- Sylvester! - I'm comin' to get you, Mama.
It's gonna be all right.
Well?
So he's comin' here, and I'm not to worry about a thing.
Because everything is gonna be all right.
Exactly like your father! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
The burglar alarm.
We just throw it on, people hear it, they come, and we're out.
Now don't be frightened if it makes a big bell noise.
All right? Here we go.
- I don't hear anything. - Neither do I. There's no bell.
Look at it! It just stands there!
Wait a minute.
Stand back.
Burglar alarm. Burglar alarm!
The stupidest burglar could get in here and take everything, and we can't get out!
There you are! Come here!
(grunts)
Melville? Melville!
Even if you do get the bell to ring and somebody comes...
...what about the damage?
They're the ones who locked us in!
This thing has gotta work!
(both scream)
Oh, no!
Please help me, Monica!
Oh! Please help me!
- Don't make them so sweet this time. - You've had two already.
- Can't you wait till we're on the ground? - All right, I'll make the next batch.
- You take the controls. - I don't know how to fly an airplane.
Well, there's nothing to it.
- But Benjy can't fly! - Nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.
Now, here. I'll check you out.
Put your little hands on the wheel. Now you have it!
Now the feet on the rudder. You got it? There you are.
Who says this boy can't fly this little plane? There you go.
Now I'm gonna make an old-fashioned the old-fashioned way, the way Dad used to.
- What if somethin' happens? - What can happen to an old-fashioned?
Benjy, I know you don't know what to do or anything, so don't do nothin'.
- I won't do nothin'. - I tell ya, that boy's a natural-born flyer.
Wait a minute, Benjy. Benjy, ease back on her.
- I'm easing! - Ease back on her, Benjy.
- I'm tryin'! - (plane nosedives)
All kidding aside, it's making me...
...nervous!
Hey! We've had an accident back here!
(car horn)
Oh!
It's good that truck pulled over. I can't stand this any more.
- Pull yourself together! - You were ten feet over the line.
(clunk, squeal of tyres)
(groans)
Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it?
- Right! Stick 'em up! - No, no!
Come here, you coward! Come here, you yellowbelly!
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
Blood!
It certainly is.
Argh!
Come back here, you b... limey!
Oh, you wanna play dirty, huh? OK!
D'oh, d'oh, d'oh... Ooh!
Foul! Foul!
You're not much good without that horrible mother-in-law of yours, are you?
Ow!
Hey, come on, fight!
- I'll kill ya, I swear! - Oh, no! Stop! Please! No!
- No, please! - Yaaargh!
(crash)
- Hello! Hello! - Don't shut the motor off!
I'm not gonna shut anything off. Hello! Can anybody hear me?
- I can hear you. - I don't care if you hear me or not.
- Look, I don't know if we're on the air. - Mayday! You gotta call Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! We're up here! Can you hear us? Help! Help!
- Benjy, say something. - Help!
He-e-e-elp!
Hello? Billie Sue?
- Billie Sue, where are you? - I'm at the bus station.
I only called because Mommy said...
Now, Billie Sue, sweetie, what are you doing in the bus station?
I'm waiting for the bus!
- Your wife is on the other phone. - (Billie Sue sobs)
Ginger? Now listen. I've got Billie Sue on the other line.
Billie Sue, just wait one minute, will ya?
- Ginger? - I'm here.
Ginger, can you hear Billie Sue? She's crying.
- Billie Sue? - She's in the bus station and she's crying.
But she's waiting for you to tell her. Billie Sue, are you listening?
- Billie? - Are you listening to your mother?
- Billie Sue, your mother is speaking. - Listen to your mother, sweetie.
- Billie Sue? - Billie Sue, listen to your mother!
Listen, everything that's happened to my daughter and me today only happened...
...because you didn't look where you were goin' and wrecked our car!
Oh, yeah?!
- Get outta that truck or I'll throw you out. - Please, Mr Pike, don't get upset.
You're not gonna do anything. Drive on, you big, stupid idiot!
Mommy, you've nothing to worry about. Your baby's comin' to save you, Mama!
- Oh! Wait! - (Emmeline) Mr Pike! Mr Pike, please!
- Let me go! Get away from me! - Mr Pike! That isn't nice!
Mother! Oh!
Somebody help me!
(yelling)
Your baby. That's why you had me, Mama. To save you.
(Mrs Marcus) Argh! Somebody help me!
Emmeline! Ohhhh!
Here you are! Ha-ha!
It's nearly burnt through. A few blows with the sledgehammer, and we're out!
Agh!
Hey! Wait a minute!
I can't cross here!
You said the main road! This is Niagara Falls!
All right, look. You're a little boy. If you wanna be a big boy...
...which way to the main road?!
Oh. Ooh. Don't!
- It's no. The answer is no. - (arguing on phone)
He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it.
And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why?
Because they got a solid majority of Republicans and Democrats to agree...
...that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension.
Why? Because they know that you were more responsible than anybody else...
...for closing down the houses.
And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Bah!
All right, so you're an honest cop.
And you've spent a lifetime bein' an honest cop.
And you've got that, and that's all you've got.
Ah, it's no good saying I'm sorry.
I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.
(Billie Sue) You're not even listening to me. That's the trouble with this family!
Melville, I smell something burning.
Agh...
(both cry out)
We are on fire!
Come over here. Come on. Go down.
Hurry up!
- Put it out! - I don't know how! Get somethin'!
- There's extinguishers! - Get one!
- What do I do? - Use it!
Not on me! On the fire!
It's too deep! This is a car, not a canoe!
Come on! It's easy!
If I don't get outta here... Why? Why?
All right. All right! Here I come!
It's too deep! It's too deep, you little ratfink!
Why didn't you tell me it was... What do I...
Don't stand there! Get somebody! This is no place for a convertible!
I'll get ya! I'll get ya!
Aaaaarghhh!
I'm bleeding, Emmeline! Look! I'm bleeding!
My mama! What did they do to my mama!
(both) Ow!
Benjy!
(Ginger) It's your father's fault. It's all his fault.
(Billie Sue sobbing)
What's the matter, Chief? Somethin' wrong?
(Billie Sue) Mom, will you listen and stop yelling at me?!
(Ginger) Billie, you're not listening.
(Billie screaming and sobbing)
# Or whatever is your hobby
# A drink, a smoke, or repeat some joke
# From the mad, mad, mad, mad world!
(# theme music plays)
(whimpering)
Now stop it. Stop it, Monica!
It's only a couple of pieces of small dynamite.
And they're 70 feet away in the other room.
And this is a strong counter. We can't possibly get hurt from there.
Please, Melville, go and stop it. Stamp on it. You know how I hate explosions.
Look, all I wanna do is blow a little hole in the wall, and then we'll be outta here.
Something's happened to the fuse.
- What could possibly have... - Hold it. Shh!
Listen.
The fuse has gone out. I can't hear it any more.
- Stay down. Don't get up. - I just wanna take a look. OK?
Huh! Oh, now I see.
It's the fire-extinguisher stuff. It got all over the fuse and put it out.
Melville, don't go in there. You'll be killed. You'll be blown to bits!
Monica, for heaven's sake! I just wanna go in there to take a look!
Why do you always imagine I can't do things for myself?
Don't you think I got any sense at all? Can't you have a little confidence in me?
(firecrackers snapping)
(shooting sound)
- (Benjy) I'll never be bad again! - Who told you you could fly?!
How long have I been flyin'?
- Keep it going! - Can't you talk to that radio?
Hello, anybody on the ground. Anybody? We're up here. Can you hear us?
(sirens)
Stand back, folks. Stand back.
This is Rancho Conejo Tower. Do you hear me?
Aircraft calling Rancho Conejo Tower, this is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Hey, Benjy, I got 'em. I got 'em. I got 'em!
Hello, down there on the ground. This is us, up here in the air!
We're in trouble! We're in an awful jam! Listen.
Hello?
Benjy, I think I lost 'em.
Wait a minute. You're not using that set right. Press your switch in to transmit.
When it's released, you're on receive.
Can you understand me? This is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Where are you and who are you? Over.
I know how to work it now, Benjy boy! Watch it.
Hello, down on the ground. This is us, up in the air. Listen.
We're in this fella's plane. He knocked himself out...
...because he drank a case of bourbon and he fell down and hit his head.
- What do we do? - The switch! Let go of the switch!
If you can, give us your position. Who's flying the plane? Over.
What do ya mean, who's flyin' the plane?
Nobody's flyin' the plane.
Sir? Tower here. Emergency.
Tell him we're gonna try to talk them down.
We're gonna try and talk 'em down, sir.
It's a Twin Beech. There was one here this morning. Who's got a Twin Beech?
Colonel Wilberforce. He was over at Maintenance. Get him over here, fast.
Rancho Conejo Tower. Don't talk. Just listen.
We're getting things under control.
We know what plane you're in, we can see you and we're gonna talk you down.
Rancho Conejo. Over.
(Ding) Up here to Rancho Conejo. We can't land this. We're in real trouble. Over.
You'll be perfectly all right as long as you follow instructions.
The man at the controls should have the radio.
- Here. Put 'em on. - No! I don't wanna!
Benjy, put 'em on! He said the fella that was flyin' should be talkin' on this.
I have to do everything? You want me to fly the plane, work the radio...
What are you - the hostess?!
He's gotta take charge of this!
- What's the matter with him? - He's sittin' in there, rigid-like.
If he catches you at that keyhole, you'll be rigid-like.
- He said he didn't want to be disturbed. - He keeps lookin' at the wall.
He'll have to be disturbed if anything develops. I'll bet you we could get...
- Everything's under control, Chief. - Hm?
- Are you OK, Chief? - Hm?
Yes. Why? How's everything going?
Oh, something's bound to happen soon. Take a look at this.
Those two in the basement started a fire and set off fireworks, but didn't get out.
Those two in the airplane had a little accident. Knocked the pilot unconscious.
Now the control tower at the airport is tryin' to talk 'em down.
The others? Aerial report that the man Otto Meyer had a little accident.
He was tryin' to cross a river and he lost his car.
Now he's on foot, walkin' back to the main road.
This fella Pike, he's about here on 94 with Mrs Marcus and her daughter, Mrs Finch.
Mr Finch and this Algernon whatever his name is, the limey...
... they're about six miles behind in an Avis Chevrolet that they rented at Canyon City.
And Sylvester Marcus - the one the old lady called -
... he's about here, going in the other direction.
They all oughta be meeting up in about five or ten minutes.
You know what I believe I'd like?
A chocolate fudge sundae, with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
Dingy, don't let this worry you: We're gonna get killed.
Men, this is Colonel Wilberforce speaking.
These gentlemen here have asked me to take charge of this situation...
... so I immediately said that I would be glad to, uh... take charge of it.
Now, before I say anything else...
I don't think he's gonna help us, Dingy.
Yes, he is, Benjy. He'll help us. Just have confidence in him.
He's a colonel. Listen to him.
Steady, men.
I'm told that neither of you has had any flying experience.
And before I say anything else, I want to congratulate you on having done so well.
Uh, so far.
Now, first of all, men, I'll explain what we intend to do.
You can't land the airplane until you've made your approach.
And you can't make your approach...
...until you've made a long, slow turnaround down to the south.
And we've got to be clear on a few things before you can start that long, slow turn.
Now, the stick that you're holding there... Uh, that is, I assume that...
Men, are you holding that stick? Is somebody holding that stick?! Over.
(Benjy) What stick? Oh, the wheel! I'm holding it. We're both holding it!
Oh, good. For one second, I was afraid...
Never mind. I'll explain the controls. It's important for you to understand them.
- Because if you don't, I'm afraid... - (plane drowns him out)
- Do you want a lift? - Yes. Thank you very much.
It's awful nice of you to stop. I'm just going as far as Santa Rosita Park.
- Oh, that's out of my way. - We're blocking the traffic. Move it.
- Let's move it. - All right.
There we are. Just go and hide behind the counter and I'll light the fuse.
Melville, would you do just one thing for me before you use the dynamite?
Try hitting the door just once more.
Oh, honey, I broke my back on that door. That's a hard door.
OK. Where's the sledgehammer?
Hey, this staircase isn't safe. The fire burnt it all out.
Please?
All right.
Are you gonna be...
(Monica screams)
Melville! For God...
Melville!
Monica... now let's forget about the door, huh?
- Look out! - What?
- They've spotted us. - Who have?
- Don't stop drivin'. Keep goin'! - What is it?
- That helicopter. They've seen us. - What helicopter?
- That's a police helicopter. - Yeah. They always use 'em.
- Who do? - Who do you think?
Look. I don't wanna talk about this but I gotta. They got me hemmed in!
- Who have? - Will you shut up and listen?
I'm gonna break a rule that says we must never reveal our true identity.
But this is a desperate situation.
- What is? - Will you shut up and listen?
I haven't got much time. So if you love your country, if you're a patriot...
...you'll listen hard.
I gotta get to a phone, and you gotta make a call to the Central Intelligence Agency.
- What on earth...? - Listen!
You tell 'em that you heard from X-27. You got it? X-27.
X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life today already.
Can you handle a gun?
Now look. Ah! There's a cafe. Pull in. You'll use that phone.
- I don't think I wanna get involved. - Shut up! You're in no danger. Pull in.
Now get to a phone, tell the operator "emergency priority" and ask for the CIA.
All right. Jump out.
Come on! You're in no danger! They don't know you! You're all right!
I'll duck the car and come back for you.
For God's sakes, don't stand in the street. They'll spot ya! Move it! Go! Hut! Go!
Sylvester! It's Sylvester! Turn around, you idiot!
What do you wanna stop him for? He's goin' the wrong way.
It's my son. Do as you're told, stupid.
They're nuts! Call in and say the tow truck turned around and is followin' the Dodge.
2-1-7-1 to 2-1-5-9.
This is stupid. You call me a stupid idiot?
Let me tell you - you're a stupid idiot.
- But he'll go all the way to Plaster City. - So he goes all the way to Plaster City.
I'm turnin' this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him, you get out and run.
Let's stop arguing, please. We're only together because they only had one car.
Let's get there, even if we are last.
Whatever the outcome of the day, I shall never forget...
...that you hit me when I wasn't even looking.
Yeah.
Hey, Russell! Russell!
- How can you possibly be so slow? - I've had just about enough out of you.
- You should've turned around quicker. - Why don't you shut up?
Russell! There! It's Russell and Mr Hawthorne!
- Stop 'em! Catch 'em! - Are we gonna start that again?
Faster! Step on it! Blow the horn, ya big dope!
- Why do you want these guys anyway? - You gotta keep up with 'em!
Go faster! Mother, it's Sylvester!
Well, stop him! Don't let him get away!
(car horn sounds repeatedly)
I say, what's that chap honking his hooter for?
It's probably some road hog who thinks he owns...
- What?! - What?
I gotta ask you somethin' about Mama! Russell, wait!
It's my brother-in-law! What's he doin'...
Be careful of him. He's not normal.
You're getting me... Boy, are you buggin' me, man!
When I get... I'm gonna nail... Ooh! I'm gettin' bugged now! Whoa, man!
(car horn)
Russell, if you don't pull over, I'll kill ya! I'm warning you, pull over and stop!
I said stop! All right, you asked for it.
(all yelling together)
I said stop! Are you crazy? We'll get killed! Pull over!
Don't you know what I mean? I - said - stop - that - car!